Blogging at a Coffee Shop

I've always loved coffee shops, and Ella's, right here in my hometown, is the best yet. At any given time, you can expect to see someone you know, or at least two people you don't know delving into deep conversation. Something about the atmosphere says "don't just eat and leave, stay awhile and enjoy your coffee, and connect". A lot of love goes into the food here, everything is homemade fresh, they have a gluten free menu, and they know regulars by name and treat them as old friends. What I'm loving today is the little details they put in to make us feel extra loved... look at the latte they made me just now!

I'm feelin' the love today! 

How He Loves

In February of 2010, I heard this song for the first time in church as a brand new Christian, as a broken down woman with impending radical changes in the very near future, as someone who had nowhere to look but up. I was amidst a couple hundred people, but simultaneously alone. As in, I knew nobody around me. When the band started this song I felt the tears coming, but at the chorus I was overwhelmed by God's spirit and felt the love emanating from everyone around me worshiping with hands high in the air, oblivious to my tears, and in that moment I knew everything was going to be okay. I broke down sobbing, in public, with no shame because I felt God in my heart rescuing me from all my worries. He literally took all the heaviness off my heart and I was overwhelmed with joy. Funnily enough, just a few short months after that day I met the man who would become my future husband, who whisked me into a romance I never knew could exist on this earth. So this song, even to this day, is my personal worship song. Everytime I hear it I am reminded of God's promises (Jer. 29:11), and of that day when I needed rescuing and God was so there.

The Beauty of Simplicity

Anyone who knows me know that I am in love with anything Jane Austen and, most notably, the 2005 Pride and Prejudice movie. I have seen it all the way through over 50 times, literally. That is a low estimate. The thing I love about Jane Austen is her uncanny ability to develop such complex characters and plotlines. Even her seemingly simple run of the mill love story is dripping with fresh perspective and obsevations about humanity that, while almost too simple for most cloudy-headed Americans to observe, are beautifully contemplated and articulated (in Old English, no less!). I love how wonderfully Pride and Prejudice was brought to life in the 2005 film... there is such beauty and artistry in it that is just not present in other versions, and the music! Oh, the music! What strikes me even more, and which is also the reason why I've seen the movie so many times and never get sick of it, is that each time I watch it I catch something new that I've never caught before, whether it be a look, a sound, or a feeling. This is exactly what happened the other day.

Dave and I had it on kind of in the background, and we started paying attention to the scene where Mr. Collins comes to visit and is paying all these ridiculous compliments to the Bennets (about the exquisitness of boiled potatoes and whatnot), and I love that scene because of the look on Lizzie's face as he drones on. Well anyway, after the dinner scene it cuts to a scene in the living room where the family is gathered, and Mr. Collins takes Mrs. Bennet aside and inquires about Jane. Just before this conversation happens, it shows all five girls sitting in the living room with their father, and they are all quiet, relaxed and present with each other. There was dim lighting (only candles), no television, no outward entertainment, they are literally just all in a room left with nothing to entertain but each other. I immediately thought about what a typical American family looks like nowadays when relaxing together at night: there is almost always a tv going, lots of bright lights, ipods, ipads, cell phones, laptops, etc... and I just imagined how different life was back in Jane Austen's time and how wonderful the simplicity must have been. I would love a slower life, with pastimes such as reading extensively, writing extensively, playing music, crafting, cooking, walking, talking (and I mean actually being present while doing so, not with one eye on the tv or ipod).

What strikes me is even though I have seen this scene so many times, I never realized the awesome simplcity of that moment. How would life be different for us if we tried to incorporate more simple and fully present time with our loved ones? I'd like to find out...

Use Your Words.

I thought about something interesting today.

Zachary is at the age where he doesn't have a lot of control over his emotions, so it's easy for him to get mad, sad, frustrated, excited, etc. One thing we have been working on lately is trying to get him to communicate his feelings through words instead of actions, crying, or whining. So if Zach is clearly upset about something I will ask him to use his words to tell me about it.

Me: Are you mad?
Zach: mmm hmmph.
Me: Why are you mad?
Zach: *silence*
Me: Zachary, why are you mad?
Zach: Because I want to play with my playdough.
Me: I know you do honey, but it's time to put it away for now so we can eat dinner. Is that okay?
Zach: Okay!

Alright, that last "okay" from Zach is the ideal situation, not always the realistic one. But you get the gist. I am trying to teach Zach to name his emotions, to tell me what he is feeling, and then why. This makes him feel understood and validated, especially when I tell him that it's okay that he's mad. "It's okay to be mad at mommy, but you still have to mind." It just good communication.

As I was making TONS of copies of mortgage papers at work today, I started pondering this whole concept as it applies to adults. Dave and I strive very hard during conflict to label our feelings and then explain how it makes us feel. It eliminates most of the guessing. "When you did (fill in the action), it made me feel hurt and (any other arbitrary adjective)." It sounds elementary but is so effective! Sadly, many many people do not communicate this way. As they become adults, they are taught more manipulative ways to communicate by parents, teachers, peers, coworkers, and just society in general. We spit sarcasm and criticism in hopes it will bring the desired result. Yet with the same breath we are teaching our children to "use their words".

The reality is, with children we must simplify our teachings for them to understand. Children don't understand sarcasm and criticism. They only know what they are feeling, and they can understand why they feel that way when they talk about it. If it makes perfect sense to teach a child to use their words, doesn't it make so much more sense for adults to do the same? To model these teachings FOR our children? Yet again, as with so many other things, the simpler way turns out to be better.

Children might not come with a manual, but in a way they provide one for us, for our lives. Thank you Zachary, for reminding me that life doesn't have to be so complicated... just more contemplated.

The Last Season.

Today Dave and I had our second session of premarital counseling, and I have to say it went amazing! We are pretty good communicators when it comes to the gritty stuff of relationships, but even the preventative exercises our counselor had us do revealed potential future conflict if left unchecked. I tell you, premarriage counseling is a great way to safeguard marriage as best as possible, not only by hashing out any problems that might exist (before they have a chance to become toxic), but also to prevent destructive patterns and habits that haven't even necessarily been created yet. I am simply amazed at how powerful and encouraging these sessions are!

On the Valentines Day account, my love showed up with a dozen beautiful red roses and chocolates, then took me to Olive Garden! I absolutely love Italian food and the lighting and wine were perfect, and my love had his eyes on me all night. Afterward we went to Target to register for our wedding (and do all the scanning which was t-o-n-s  o-f  f-u-n!) He kissed me goodnight after our wonderful date, and once again left me feeling like the luckiest girl alive.

In this season right before the wedding, I'm finding myself anticipating the coming changes that will come not only in our physical lives, but also in our hearts as we take this next step. We've grown so much as a couple, starting at the newness and somewhat shy (on my side) phase and growing into this deep and wonderful love. We have grown so comfortable with each other and the way that our relationship is, and our marriage is going to radically change that. We will be living together and sleeping together (and um... sleeping together...), and things are going to be, well, different. In a good way of course! I suppose in these last couple months I am trying to relish this season we are in while it lasts, I want to remember what our relationship is like and how we are with each other before we live together and before we have sex. I want to remember these innocent times, because they are so precious. These times have been some of the hardest, trying times for me. It is hard to stay pure physically when you are madly in love with someone- more difficult than I could ever describe! It is hard to put Zachary to bed some nights by myself, and to get him ready in the morning by myself. It was difficult for me to adjust to sleeping alone every night, and it still is a struggle sometimes.

But through all this I have learned and am still learning so much about myself, and who I am as a woman. Dave being such a man of honor by staying pure and keeping me pure throughout our relationship has allowed me the freedom to experience a deeper relationship with God, and myself. His love is so unselfish. In this season, I want to remember all of that. I want to remember in hindsight two, five, and 10+ years from now how difficult it was when he had to leave me every single night. How some nights we had to keep our distance physically because we would be flirting with danger otherwise. I want to remember how we had to have to discipline and self control to stay true to our promises even though it was so extremely difficult. I want to remember him dancing with me in the kitchen, wrapping his arms around me when I'm cooking, twirling me under his arm like I'm a princess, and the letters... ohh the letters! I want to remember the way he looks at me now, in this season. I want to remember the feeling of longing I feel every night when I watch him step off my porch, onto the sidewalk and into his car to drive away. I want to remember all of this, because this is what is setting the tone for our marriage. This is our time of testing. This is our time of purity. This is still, in a way, our season of newness, and of longing. These memories are so precious, and I don't ever want to forget them, because in less than three months...

all this is going to change. 

(Don't worry- I'm more than ready!) Here is a picture of my love and I tonight!

Happy Valentines Day!

G.O.S.P.E.L.

This is the most artistically articulated summary of the gospel of Jesus I have ever heard. Enjoy!

His Love Is Always New

A year an a half ago, I received a short letter from Dave. We had only been on two dates, and he sent the letter to me at work through one of our mutual friends who I work with. In it, he described a mixed emotion of having just lost his father but also being bolstered by the excitement of our courtship. It was a very touching and encouraging letter, and left me with butterflies in my stomach until I saw him again.

Since that first letter, I have received many more. A couple months later when Dave left for D.C. for a week, he left me with a letter that ended with "See you tomorrow...", and he wasn't going to be back for five days. Each day he was gone I received a beautiful letter from him, and on the back of each letter was a story of something I didn't know about him. It was so romantic, and as the months passed Dave would always creatively surprise me with little gifts or notes, and our relationship bloomed so wonderfully.

Last June, out of the blue, I came home from work and walked into my bedroom and saw this:

Little hearts and notes all over my room!

For Valentines Day earlier that year, Dave had made me this acronym. He surrounded it with some hearts!

Here's a closer look:

 And of course, a letter in the midst.

"There are 100 of these cards, exclusing the hearts."

He put eyes on them! Isn't he cute?!

"I remember the first time I kissed you, your heart was racing!"

"Let's follow Christ together."

"I love you!"

All of this is just wonderful, and it seems never-ending. There is always a surprise around the corner with Dave. This kind of love where we are constantly pursuing each other creates a freshness in our relationship, a newness to our love. I picked Dave up from the airport tonight after not seeing him for seven days, and I was nervous. Yes, nervous. (After being together this long? really?) I was going at least 10 over the speed limit the whole way there, even driving up to the terminal, and as I saw him standing there waiting for me, I felt butterflies in my stomach. As I rushed in for a hug and kiss, I reveled in how tall he is, how strong his arms feel around mine, how soft his kiss, how warm his neck is. Things I already know, but still seem so new.

As we head into our second Valentines Day together, I am feeling so thankful for God's blessing of Dave in Zachary and I's life, thankful for Dave's creativeness in pursuing my heart, and thankful for the love we share. It is truly a beautiful thing.

"You do not love her because she is beautiful...

She is beautiful because you love her."

Alone, but not lonely.

One thing that I haven't expressed to you yet, I am a total foodie. That is food+junkie. It's not that I love to eat all the time, I just love food. I love cooking it, smelling it, tasting it, looking at it, experimenting with it, and I LOVE feeding people. Tonight it is just me, since Dave is in Florida and Zach is with his dad for a couple hours, so I am spending some time with my darling self. I've got a bottle of wine (to drink and cook with), and I'm making a lemon chicken dish. Yum...

Sometimes, in the midst of my crazy busy life, I can tend to forget how much I love being alone. Not excessively, of course, but just having time to myself to be with myself... to foster my own identity that I have striven so hard to find in the first place, and which is also constantly evolving ever so slightly. I find that if I don't take time to have nights like this once in awhile, I not only miss who I'm becoming, but I start to feel a disconnect with who I am as a woman, apart from my wonderful man, apart from my son, apart from my job and other responsibilities. When that happens, my alter-ego (we'll call her Amelia) steps in and takes over. Amelia gets the job done, because she is fast-paced and hard working. She can also be frazzled, bland, and easily irritated. Sometimes she only stops in to do the laundry and dishes and leaves, and other times she hangs around for longer. Sometimes she stays all day, so sneaky-like that I don't even realize it. One thing I know is that when Amelia is around, Lindsay, for the most part, is not. It isn't until things start to slow down and simplify a bit that Lindsay, the real me, feels comfortable enough to let her hair down, change into some comfortable pants, and reveal any true authenticity.

Maybe this is just the season of life I'm in, these last few months before I become a married woman, where I'm still a single mom trying to work almost every day of the week, plus take care of my son, plus spend quality time with my wonderful man. Some days it's just hard to do everything well, and still be my free spirited relaxed self. That is why occasional alone time for me is so important. I remember things about myself that I normally don't even think about, like how much I love to cook, read, or do crafts. It's not just about doing things I like to do, it's about the feeling I get when I'm genuinely enjoying my own company. It's a feeling of wholeness, of security, and of peace. It is a remembrance that I am enough. For crying out loud, it reminds me that I like... no, love who I am. It sounds so simple, but feels so powerful.

So tonight it's just me, and I'm lovin' it. No agenda, Frank Sinatra on the radio, good food, and good company. 

What title could do this post justice?

Do you believe in God?

I really want to know. I am so curious to hear other people's beliefs, and it fascinates me to learn about their lives and things they have experienced and been taught. What fascinates me even more, is how some people who are exposed to the same things believe different things. Why in the world does that happen? Why did I hear the story of Jesus and find it easy to believe when other people who have had much more exposure to the story don't believe? Why is that? 

I wish I knew the answer to that question. When I first became a Christian, there were a lot of things that came along with it that were somewhat difficult for me. I remember asking a lot of questions and doubting a lot of things. I remember a Christian friend telling me something that I thought must be absolutely untrue, but then I asked another friend and they confirmed it, and then another one, and so on. It took a LOT of questions and wrestling with my inner self and fighting the conditioning I had as a child to believe certain things about life. The curiosity is what really helped me- I wanted to know things, and not just the "what's", but also the "why's".

But the biggest reason I believe the things that I do is because of the proof life has given me. I perceive the things I've learned to be true because it feels right in my heart, because when I read the Bible and do what it says, my life becomes better, not only in obvious ways but also in some very unexpected ways. I believe the things I've learned to be true because I know that I am not the biggest deal out there. How disappointing would that be? No, there is an awesome, loving, graceful, forgiving and perfect God, and I know full well that he is mine and I am his.

And this is what I learned:

There is a God. He is perfect. He created me. I am not perfect. In fact, there is something very wrong with me. I don't always know exactly what it is, but I've had some really rough times in my life. I've had a lot of heartbreak, a lot of laziness, I've done bad things and said bad things. Sometimes I feel really sad, or mad, or regretful. Especially regretful. And I am a generally happy person and live a generally happy life. So if all these bad things happen to me, I am sure they've happened to you, too.

So, where does God come in? 

I'm sure you've heard the story of Jesus- born of a virgin, put in a manger, grew up into a man who loved everyone and died on a cross to save us from our sins. Check. 

Has anyone ever told you what that means? 

Has anyone ever told you that God is a passionate God that wants a relationship with you? 

Do you know that at this very moment God is pursuing your heart with more love and zeal than any man (or woman) ever would or could? 

Has anyone ever told you that Jesus was not just a man who lived on earth, but God who lived on earth? 

Has anyone every told you that Jesus IS God?

Do you know what that means?

Do you know that you are free of all the brokeness in your life and the bad things you've done because Jesus paid the price for you? 

Has anyone ever told you that you don't have to fight anymore, that the battle was never even yours to begin with?

 It is true, it is a free gift from God. You don't have to earn it. All you have to do is believe that it is true. 

Believe that the life Jesus lived had purpose, that he came here to die, for you. Yes, you personally. His death on the cross serves as payment for your sins. In God's eyes, where you should be marked black with sin is washed away completely by Jesus. "She's good." he says. "This one's with me, I've got her covered." 

This is the instruction I received: Ask Jesus to come into your heart. Even if you don't believe it right now. Even if you don't know what it means completely. Jesus will not come into your life without your willingness to be open to the idea. He does not pry. You must invite him.

Now it is one thing to hear the stories, but reading them in the Bible brings a whole new understanding. If you want to understand fully, you MUST read the Bible. Even if you don't want to. Even if you don't agree with what it says. Even if you question a lot of things. Even if it seems contradictory. Even if you doubt it's truth. You must read it regardless, with an open mind, because that it how you learn. That is how I learned. And you know what? 

Life is beautiful, and I'm free to enjoy it!

2012 Goals

2012 is going to be a very memorable year.

Being that it is still quite early in the year, I thought it might be appropriate to make a dream list of things I would like to accomplish in 2012. Here goes!

1. Get married. Obvious, I know, but I'm not there yet!

2. By the instruction and guidance of those who play much better than me, learn how to play bass guitar well.

3. Blog on a regular basis. At least twice a month.

4. See the Civil Wars again!

5. Connect with more people in my church. I can't tell you how many phone numbers I have that never get called because I am "too busy".

6. Be less busy.

7. Recycle every week. It's not hard, really.

8. Read more books. By the end of the year, I would like to have finished "The Age of Innocence" by Edith Wharton and "Persuasion" and "Sense and Sensibility", both by Jane Austen.

9. Get a nice layout for my blog.

10. Lead a lifegroup with Dave.

11. Take Zachary on a playdate once a week, preferably outside when it's nice out!

12. Reawaken my passion for healthy cooking.

13. Exercise at least three times a week.

14. Read the Bible often and memorize verses.

15. Write to my friends and family, longhand.

16. Do one thing- I don't care what it is- that I would normally be terrified to do, but found myself able through confidence and bravery.

17. Help Dave run sound during church service. I want to learn how to do more of what he does.

18. Take more baths.

19. Keep my house clean for a week straight. (Hey, a girl can dream...)

20. Go out of my way to be more friendly and positive in a way that represents God's love and shows I am His daughter.

Here is to a wonderful year to come!

A New Start (of sorts..)

So... truth be told, I haven't been the best blogger. Not only in frequency, but in heart. I've been thinking more about what I want to say instead of what people want to read, and I want to change that. If I want people to listen and care about what I have to say and if I want to affect anybody in any way, I think I need to change my approach a little bit lot. <~~ See that little strike through there? Just learned how to do that. Exciting right? Okay...

Here are some things you don't know about me because, well, I probably never took the time to tell you.

1. I am a hairstylist and a bank teller.

2. I am engaged to a wonderful man named Dave, who I met two summers ago. He is the love of my life, and I still can't believe he is mine (well, almost. We're getting married May 11th 2012! Updates to follow!)

3. I have one little boy Zachary, who is turning three in April and is the most amazing little boy in the world. Seriously.

4. I grew up unchurched, and became a Christian 2 1/2 years ago after my son was born. I'll tell you the whole story sometime.

5. I love big earrings, babies, animals, long hair, dresses, sweets, sunsets, rainy days, watching movies on rainy days, swinging on swingsets, organizing (you wouldn't believe that if you saw my house...), my couples group, growing friendships, reading, writing, and cooking.

6. I am passionate about God, music, poetry, loving right, playing fair, choosing battles, listening well, sacrificing important things for more important things, encouraging the underdog, worship, growing with others, growing individually, and believing in and being a part of something much bigger than myself.

7. I am addicted to pinterest. It's a problem.

8. I am a worrywart. It runs in my genes. I'm working on it.

9. I have a roommate who puts up with my messes and Zach's tantrums. She is awesome. (Sorry Kristen!)

10. I laugh at basically everything. Especially in inappropriate situations. And especially if it will embarrass me.

11. I am a very unassuming person by nature, and really try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt.

12. My name is Lindsay, and I am a choco-holic.

13. I'm trying really hard to get into working out. Dave is awesome at it, and we just got a gym membership. I'll keep you updated.

14. The name of this blog is inspired by one of my favorite quotes by one of my favorite poets about whom one of my favorite movies was made:

     "I almost wish we were butterflies and liv'd but three summer days... three such days with you I could fill with more delight than fifty common years could ever contain..."

I am so in love with this quote because it is wrapped around the idea of love and the joy it brings to life... how no matter how long you live, love has the richness and power to live an entire lifetime of delight in such a short amount of time. I truly believe that. I hope to make this belief palpable through this blog.

That's all for now~ until next time!

Lindsay