Sunshine Flowers: Part I

Zach loves picking flowers for me, and I have discovered a way to cherish them forever.

I'm loving our little walks this summer!

New Terrain

I am turning 30 this year.

Cray.

I have been excited to turn 30 since my early twenties when I entered the "professional workforce" and wasn't taken seriously. I have worked with a lot of difficult people... but we'll save that can of worms for another time. Now approaching the next decade of my life, I have been reflecting often on what I have learned and how I have changed, and am growing in a freer season of acceptance.

My twenties have a lot of life packed into them. So many firsts: apartment, house, child, degree, "real job". Marriage. Second child. Finding God. Making lifelong friends (I have no doubt!). Then there are the littler things. I find much beauty in the subtle changes over the years, such as my homekeeping style and sense of fashion. Different things that move me. Better understanding of myself reflected in the way I relate to and communicate with others.

The really neat thing about the age I am at is that it seems as though I am on the cusp of young naivety and a more seasoned youth. I have discovered so much about myself and the world these past nine years, and I suppose one of my favorite things I have learned, and am continuing to learn, is how to relax peacefully into who I am. I have made a lot of mistakes, some one time and some multiple times, and through that have learned a lot about my character traits and also how to more effectively guide myself through certain issues and seasons. I am getting better at looking at myself objectively, which has been an incredibly wonderful paradigm shift. I am finding that the better I know myself the better I can take care of myself (and others), be gentle when I make mistakes, and forgive.

Learning how to forgive has been an essential part of my growth, compounded by the equally important skill of letting go of guilt. My mom guilt and adventurous spirit are often at odds. When my days consist of caring for babes, laundry and dishes, each day feeling so similar to the one previous, time seems to pass in monotonous and mundane living. And it is hard on my adventurous heart.

However... I find that after some time passes, I look back and realize that a lot is actually changing in me, even through the sameness of all the days. Every so often, during reflection, I will realize that I have a new bud of passion stirring in my heart that could have been inspired by the oddest thing out of nowhere, such as a melody or even a simple summer breeze. Similar to the way I feel nostalgic about certain smells and sounds because of the memories they bring, so I also seem to own a sort of reverse nostalgia in which my senses react to something they never have before, giving me a thrill of excitement and longing for the future, as if I have grown without realizing it and am being gently ushered forward into refreshing new terrain.

I am learning that motherhood and adventure are not mutually exclusive. I suppose I am starting to define adventure in a way I never have before, a more eternal way that involves the mind and the heart more than the experience at face value. The way I think and feel about what I experience is what makes life grander more than what I actually experience. And I am realizing more every day that when I infuse love into every thought and action, everything is just better.

With much help from God and my dear husband, I am learning the art of self love. I am becoming more comfortable with doing things for myself without feeling guilty (which can be a hard feat when you're a mom, am I right?). Getting a pedicure feels SO nice once in awhile. Taking a bubble bath when my little one is napping and the older is watching a movie. Putting off switching the laundry over for 10 minutes so I can paint my toenails a pretty spring orange that will bring me joy each time I look down. Saying yes to all these little things makes a positive difference in my life that spreads to my husband and children.

Self love is building quiet confidence within me. With this confidence is coming a sense of freedom to securely accept and enjoy who I am and explore interests and just love life. It feels like I'm really coming into my own. After all the ups and downs of my twenties, all the insecurity and all the hard lessons, the good times and laughter, the blood sweat and tears and battles I've fought have brought me to where I am now, to a place where I can say not only am I living and loving and learning, but I feel so alive. If ten years can do all this, I can't wait for the next ten. Here's to looking at you, 30.

Father's Day: Honoring Dad

I am such a lucky girl to have my daddy.

In the spirit of Father's Day, I am going to honor my dad in this post and share a few stories from my childhood with him that are dear to my heart.

I have always been a daddy's girl. My parents divorced when I was very young, and I am my dads only child. My dad is a mans man to the core. An army vet, he loves the wilderness, camping, sports, fishing, anything outdoorsy or active. My parents also were told I was going to be a boy, so naturally my dad was pleased. The moment I was born and my dad found out I was a girl, he said it was a wonderful surprise! And you know what? I grew up fishing, camping, playing outside in the mud, playing sports, watching sports (football! football!) and I loved every minute of it, because I was with my dad. He also attended his fair share of daddy daughter dances, clothes shopping extravaganzas, Barbie birthday parties and the like. I especially loved when we would play pretty pretty princess.... even though he would win every time. :)

My dad was always there for everything, even though he lived on the other side of the state. We talked multiple times a week on the phone, and I stayed with him every other weekend and for a month every summer. Looking back on my childhood, the thing I love most about my dad is his engaged presence. He always met me where I was at and talked about things that were relevant to my age and that mattered to me, and always with respect. And he always told me how much he loved me and how proud he was of me.

So first I feel it necessary to share some camping stories, because most of the BEST memories I have with my dad are from camping. I grew up before the technology rage of cell phones and smart phones and laptops and being "plugged in", so naturally it was easier to be present and connect.

My dad would make it so fun! First, we would pack up all the essentials: tent, cot or pad, sleeping bag, pillow, clothes, flashlight, deck of cards, cooler, firewood, camping cookware which consisted of skewers and these metal bowl things with a handle, to heat soup and the like over the fire. Then we would go to Meijer and get ice, a bunch of one serving boxes of cereal, non refrigerated milk, pudding, hot dogs, chips, veggies, drinks, stuff for s'mores, and whatever else we felt like. Sometimes we even got spam or Vienna sausages! We would get everything we needed to keep cold in the cooler and make our way to the campground, check in, and always got the campsite furthest in the woods.

Then we would break camp- pitch the tent, hammer in the stakes, secure the rainfly (always, just in case :), and load our cots, sleeping bags and other belongings in the tent. Then we would immediately get our long pants and boots on and search for kindling, because getting the fire going early was of the utmost importance if you wanted a good burning fire at night! Then dad would bring out his radio and put classic rock on low, and we would make a teepee with the kindling to get the fire started. Once the fire was going, we would do normal camping activities like swimming, playing catch, etc. but the absolute best time came after dusk when my dad would pull out his guitar and we would sit around the fire, just the two of us, and talk for hours. We had some great conversations, told funny stories, and just enjoyed each other's presence without any distractions. It was simply beautiful.

Some camping memories I will never forget:

1. Having to evacuate our campsite suddenly due to a tornado warning in Port Huron. We drove through the baseball sized hail to the nearest Meijer for shelter only to find the doors locked! Someone finally let us in and rushed us to the back until the tornado was gone. We arrived back to our campsite to find the tornado had done so much damage, and our tent was in the next campsite over with a torn rainfly. So what did we do then? Moved the tent back, hung our wet things to dry and stayed another night of course! No wussies here :)

2. Finding out Barry Sanders retired while camping. That was a bummer.

3. Camping in a terrible thunderstorm. My mom was worried about us so drove out to the campground, only to find us eating s'mores and playing cards in the tent.

4. Fishing... So much fishing.

5. Carving our names into the tree at our campsite, then seeing it every time we came back and got that site.

6. One crazy canoeing adventure which involved biffing numerous times, losing our paddles twice, losing our shoes, walking barefoot through the woods carrying our canoe, then finally reaching the end.  Oh, and I was 10.

7. Dad slipping in the mud going up a hill and trying to regain his grip which resulted in running in place for numerous hilarious seconds.

8. The time a raccoon ate our styrofoam cooler.

9. My uncle peeing through the screen of the tent because he could not for the life of him get the zipper undone and he had to go THAT BAD.

10. Spilling water on the radio and all my dad could say was "Water on the radio?! Water on the radio?!" over and over.

That only scratches the surface. I felt it necessary to share so much about camping because those were some of my best memories. Here are some other random memories of being with my dad growing up:

1. His cat Judy and all the crazy nicknames we had for her and all the stories we created about her adventures. And she had quite a few!

2. Playing at the park across from his house for hours, then trudging through the woods behind the
park to see what treasure we could find (a lot of baseballs) then coming out the other side of the woods at a cemetery and looking at all the gravestones with respect and awe.

3. Coming back home after playing in the cold and my dad making soup with little green things in it.

4. Da-doink- the name of a short story in which I tried kicking a ball backwards over my head and instead kicked it into my head, then crawling on the ground laughing so hard, then looking at him and saw he was also on all fours laughing then laughing even harder.

5. So much football.

6. Teaching me how to make myself a bologna sandwich.

7. Singing kumbaya to me on his guitar.

8. Recording me and my silliness on tape at every birthday.

9. Camping out in my backyard and always bringing goodies!

10. Flowers sent to my house every birthday and valentines day.

11. Being there when I had both my children.

12. Walking me down the isle at my wedding.

13. Ringing christmas bells outside my window as a child, and helping me believe in the magic of Christmas.

14. Making me surf and turf and watching Jesus Christ Superstar every Easter.

15. Long deep conversations at night about everything, including God.

16. He never remarried after my mom. As a kid I remembering asking if he was going to get married, to which he replied "you are the only woman in my life".

There are so many more great memories, and I am thankful for a thoughtful father who sacrificed so much for me and loved me so well my whole life and continues to do so. My dad is a loyal and honorable man. Thank you daddy for teaching me by example what it means to be selfless as a parent and how to be completely present and engaged with others. Thank you for handing down to me your passion and intensity for things you believe in. Thanks for being the world's best Papa to my boys. I love you forever!